Had a sad conversation tonight with the man we've been working with to get his immigration paperwork pushed through so he can work legit and provide for his wife who stays up north. It was denied again - he sat and cried as he talked to me about not getting it, he is scared to call and tell her. I started to tell him that it would be all right but would it? I don't know that. Why do they make it so hard and so expensive? (I have my theories but who am I?).

Racial tensions are rising at the shelter again, that's always frustrating. Every single one of these groups would be offended if the other called them names but turn around and do it to one another. Two wrongs don't make a right. No one group is better than the other, they are just all different in their own ways.

We barely stopped moving all night, I think it took my co-worker and I nearly an hour to gobble up 2 slices of pizza because there was non-stop action. Good weight loss plan, I suppose.

On the bright side, while there was rain, I didn't have to drive home in a flash flood like I did last night as I was leaving the bookstore in Highland Park. I came home to no power until the wee hours of the morning. My lackluster candles left me yearning for a old timey lantern of some sort. Finally, I laid in bed and read with a flashlight until I got sleepy and called it a day.

I've had a little more time to enjoy the mornings and afternoons this week.

Ariana has been attending Project Girl day camp at Intermedia Arts learning about positive body image, doing art, and girls that are in hip-hop and graffiti, etc.. This means that I am going back out to drop her off and picking her up just on the cusp of the afternoon turning into rush hour.

Yesterday we rode bikes in and enjoyed a calm, mild morning. On the way back, we rode in the rain, Ana riding through puddles trying to splash and spray me, laughing as she zoomed by. We took a break at Freewheel and the Midtown Global Exchange where we got veggies and snacks. Just like old times, before we started driving again. Our days were filled with bus stops and bike rides. We'd find fun stuff on the ground (even money!), played with stray cats and had time to bond each and every day. I keep telling myself that I need to stop using the van so much but all of the appointments and jobs I have cause me to have to be from one side of town to the next within a short amount of time and I hate being late! There is also the added point that Ana can't bike with me everywhere (especially if it's time senstive) - it's not like the old days when I could just hook her on the back of my bike in the trailer...

I suppose that soon enough, she will be a teenager and won't want to accompany me around anymore anyway...but maybe that's all the more reason to increase our time together now.

Things that make my life more enjoyable:

- Peanut Butter Twix
- Pineda Tacos - Carnitas with cilantro and onion to be specific
- $$$
- Good coffee
- Having a surplus of good books ready to be read
- Street fashion blog updates
- Playing in my garden, bring home greens which leads to that high pitched guinea pig squeal that makes me laugh
- A flexible work schedule
- Having something to look forward to (and the ability to do it) - i.e. Travel
- Funny podcasts - i.e. Savage Lovecast, my fav. Someday I'll add to that compilation of classic quotes...

As our trip to SF is rapidly approching, I found out yesterday that we'll need to postpone LA.

My friend's advisior died so he's been asked to stay and teach at the U longer than anticipated. Since they are LA natives and inherited a house in Hollywood, we are to stay with them. We had the option to go alone, probably including staying at their place, but I want to hang out with them as well as explore with just Ariana and I.

The plus side to this is that they are going back in the middle of winter so we are looking at Jan or Feb for our trip - it would be nice to get out of this place at that point in winter - a week or so would be perfect.

It's possible I'm a changed person when one of my first thoughts, along with noting to self not to wear my leaky tennis shoes, as I see the forecast or roll out of bed to rain is of the guys I know standing around the day labor line for a chance to work construction, the moving company or other similar jobs for a chance to make some money. When it rains, jobs are sparse.

And another of a man I know who is staying in a tent down by the river (he prefers it over the shelter and it's near the VA Hospital where he goes for appointments often) and hoping that he is warm and dry. He laughs when I worry at him about staying safe and dry but definately accepts socks and clothes as needed. And in the winter, he was around the shelters, so he has his safety and well being in mind.

And now we have the young man who is dealing with some sort of mental health issue(s) that we haven't identified yet - last week I stopped in and saw him standing in the rain with his fleece shirt pulled up over his head, rather than going to the drop-in center and staying dry or some other facility like the library, etc.. He's also been found sleeping outside the building next door at all hours. Last night he wandered in, we fit him in, expecting his behavior. After I showed him where his bed was for the night, I walked by to him trying to go to sleep with no linens whatsoever. I gathered up his sheets, a pillow and blanket and brought them to him but I'm not sure what's going on with him - he's stayed with us before, he knows how to find these things and what our protocol is for getting a bed but seems unable to go through with these tasks right now. ????

I totally feel like a brand new person now that I'm a couple of weeks in of dropping that third, on-call, job. I didn't realize how much it was affecting me negatively until I made the move - after that, a huge weight lifted off of me and I could breathe and laugh again.

Tonight was one of those nights where I really have to work hard to keep my judgements and personal ideas and feelings in check.

A few months back, one of our long-term or "extended stay" shelter guests joked that he saw so and so with "his girls" over by the Branch (a drop-in center for homeless and others). I was convinced that he was exaggerating and was like "Nuh-huh! Are you serious, not "so and so"!! Then I stopped myself and told that person, "Nevermind! I don't want to know, the less I know the better..."

Fast forward to tonight. So and so was around for the first time since winter essentially, tried to get a bed but no luck as of the time I left but was going to try back at the end of the night if no one showed...

I left work, driving my usual route home - East on Franklin Ave. to Bloomington Ave. and I see "so and so" walking with a woman that would most likely not be his lady friend (I could be wrong, and I hope I am).

Hrmph. Maybe R was right after all. But I need to remind myself that what each person does outside of the shelter is their own deal, their own business, their own life. And maybe I can apply the "Rule of Six" and come up with 6 possible reasons someone would be involved in such a "business". With him, one reason is to most likely support his young daughter who his living in Southern Minnesota and another is to support himself as I suspect he is undocumented and one related, maybe he is sending money back to his native country, to family?

Who knows. I'm not going to ask. Not my place to get involved unless he brings it to the shelter...

Travelling trash:

Ariana and I shared a laugh last night about our goofy neighborhood. You see, this weekend there was a small "kiddie tobagan" sitting atop our SW-most neighbor's trash can. Later that day we saw it on our most NW-most neighbors trash can - it had travelled a full block North only to be discarded again.

Ariana had also made a comment about a red crate she had seen a few houses down, leaning against a garage, she noted that she figured that the man who makes a revolving art installation in his front yard will probably take it.

A day later we saw it leaning against his garage. Monday, we saw a little pedal car at our NW-most neighbors trash cans (the same one who had the kiddie tobagon for the 2nd time)....last night we saw it's undercarriage at the house directly behind us. It had travelled a full block south through the alley.

I can't figure out and understand what would make a cyclist veer out in front of a car that is within 1 to 2 car lengths to join the lane and ultimately get in front of said car,(Ex. to prepare for a left turn) without some sort of hand signal to indicate movement. Not only is it dangerous, it's arrogant behavior and most likely would piss most drivers off and rightfully so.

And with that, the same goes for cyclists who blatantly run stop signs in front of waiting cars without a stop themselves or even a pause or a nod. I run stop signs, I do. But if there are cars sitting there or approaching at the same time, I stop then proceed as it's my turn. If there is any way that we will advocate for equal rights and sharing the road - it is by being polite and following common sense when there are drivers around. Even more frustrating is when one cyclist stops at a stop sign and another barrels through and nearly takes out the person who has the right away - sort of like the jackasses who do the same thing at the 5th St. Greenway crossing. Bullshit.

Just had to vent - saw some dumb move this morning that reminded me of all of the above.

It's been a little wild over at Powderhorn lately. Bullfrogs mating. Ariana and I stumbled across a turtle laying eggs in a very open area, got a couple of pictures then left her in peace...until the next little kids came along. Last night, a man caught a goose and carried it over to impress his family - they all jumped away squealing. Funny.

34. In 2 months, I will turn 34. In some ways, I am surrendering to the idea of aging. I've now got an old lady-ish pannier for my bike - as I walked away from the counter at the Hub, the worker congratulated me on "not having a sweaty back anymore" which I laughed at because it's so true.

I can barely fit into any pants at H&M anymore and some of the other stuff would look like I'm trying too hard to look young. I find myself going to stores that offer more mature clothing that will accencuate my curves not make me look like an aging hipster. Never really wanted to look like a hipster either way...but especially not now. The last time I was at a basement show was 2 years or so ago but that's more because I needed to get my social anxiety driven drinking under control since it was getting the better of me at a time when I wasn't feeling very strong emotionally and now, I barely know any bands that have been coming and going. I'm sure I'm not missing much but the social interaction can be refreshing but I guess I've found it alienating as well since I'm not around often and cannot ever be due to parenting. It was always nervewracking, going out if not among close friends.

I've given up the idea that I will ever travel willy-nilly again but am looking forward to a new brand of travel, with my daughter next to me - both exploring new places for the first time. Once she's grown or near it, the world is mine as long as I have the money and the time off. I yearn to move about the states and the world but have to also settle for the reality that this scenerio probably isn't realistic. But that won't stop me from at least taking some time to explore.

I'm also more sure of what I want for my future - stability. In my career, financial and in my personal life. After many years of barely staying afloat, I never want to be in that position again and I will do whatever it takes to not be. I would love to experience the joy that people describe when having a baby with a partner who is excited and loving and takes part in every aspect - willingly and happily. I'm trying to get over the feeling that a part of my life with Ariana was robbed from me (and her) because I've always had to bust my ass to support us which then stole away from being able to be home with her or to go out and have more good times. I would have loved to have the opportunity to stay at home with her more often and go out and do fun things together. I also see and hear about men who would do anything to support their family and I am envious. Not sure what I've done to not find that but it sure would be a nice feeling to have that security sometime before I'm dead and gone. I struggle with frustration surrounding this one almost daily. Having someone to share dreams with and have them actually come to fruiation would be nice and comforting.

I suppose growing older calls for accepting a lot of things for what they are and moving on if we can't change them. Trying not to let bitterness and anger ruin the good things. I find that, as always, having a lot of alone time helps me feel more balanced.

In my quest to become more womanly, I've been scouting out some heels that are hott, functional, and don't make me look like a stripper. Not an easy task. I'm going more for the 50's chic.

Next up is to find a sassy bathing suit for our upcoming trip to Los Angeles - I'm thinking an old style one-piece that would also look cute with heels.

In other news, I have an appointment to get some blank space on my right arm filled in - my tattoos on my arms are kind of here and there and it's been bothering me so I've decided that I would rather fill in that space and be done. I'm getting a Spanish themed sleeve with Sugar Skulls as the focal point and things like roosters and who knows what else to compliment it. I'm way excited!!!

/ Interesting, historic article about Minneapolis in the 1920's The photos come from the Minnesota Historical Society which reminds me - I've been meaning to go there and the Hennepin History Musuem. Maybe this weekend...

/ I'm bewildered - My office for my day job is on a one way street that happens to head north and the street is situated one street off of one of the Greenway entrances. This produces a lot of bike traffic - since it's a one way, there seems to be a willy-nilly sense of where to ride. We get them on the sidewalk as well as both sides of the street. My natural inclination is to ride on the right. Particularily on this street as there are cars parked on the left.
There is no signage as to what is the proper protocol and I've been trying to decide what that would be. I think it would be valuable to post it as it causes problems when you get multiple cyclists and they are peppered on the left, on the right and up on the sidewalk. It can be kind of a mess when all the riders come to an intersection or cars are trying to safety navigate around them. I myself ran into this the other day as a cyclist - I was on the street, a man was on the sidewalk - we both met at the Chicago and 31st intersection at the same time. Luckily we were able to navigate and give enough space but if someone wasn't paying attention, a little collison could potentially happen.

It was a beautiful morning for a bike ride. I felt kind of bad passing the old dude on a rickety mountain bike that was clearly too small for him but had to do it. I greeted him as I passed in a guesture of solidarity and in an attempt to not seem like I was trying to barge by.

We finally had a chance to get to ourgarden, I got some of the weeds out and put rich soil around my plants. So far what I have in looks great despite having planted it early! I need to pick up tomato and pepper plants this week. It's basically a salsa and salad/guinea pig garden this year. I also have edamame and sugar snap peas for snacking. I am most exicted right now to harvest our garlic and onions!

Last night, the little lady and I took another evening walk - this time the toads were less active at the park but were still humming and toading around.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I am pissed off about my newest job. The on-call position at the GRH (Group Residential Housing facility for chronic alcholics).

For example, when we work an 8 hour shift - our lunch break consists of sitting in the lunchroom observing residents. We can eat, that's it. No books, no crossword, can't leave the room. On top of that, when ones shift starts at 4pm, that's when dinner is. You have the choice to go in for a 1/2 hour at 4 or 4:30. Period. Friday, I worked a 12 hour shift with no break. The bullshit that the guys deliver isn't worth the working conditions.

I'm going to work a couple more months, save up money for our trip to L.A. then I'm done. It's stressing me out too much and the experience is too negative in general.

Yay! 2 days off in a row!

Today, the child and I were able to get out on our bikes and ride together. Our friend's were having a b-day party for their 1 year old across town. M's parents were in town from L.A. so her mom and I talked about how things could be if I were to move there. Of course, at the end, I was forced to again recognize the biggest barrier, the rent prices out there. They all live right in Hollywood which I'm sure is higher still. Her husband works two jobs to support his family and has to drive an hour out to one of them. Struggle. I do enough of that here, don't know if it would be worth it in the long run.

Once we got home, we grabbed the dog and headed to Powderhorn Park - once there, we were pleasantly surprised at the toads who were dutifully singing in chorus - mating season. They were also very easy to catch due to their state, bonus!

Tired.

Working here at the "Wet House" is starting to make me weary of men just a little more. I'm sure I'm just tired but some of it is the verbal abuse and disrespect that some of these guys deliver. It's ridiculous. I suppose I knew when I signed up that it would be a challenge. There is also the man I discovered um, fooling around with himself as I sat at the desk - I was wearing a t-shirt and a sweater and pants that fit but not tight or suggestive so I'm not accepting any responsibility fo this one. Fuck. Actually, now that it's the next day (editing post), I'm not taking the person who berated me seriously either. He just snapped at nothing and felt it necessary to tell me that now he "knows he hates me". Fine, hate me. I don't give a heck. I'm there to pay bills and save money, nothing else. It's not the environment I would want to build my career in so at this point, leaving that job means little to me.

Tonight, I am just tired and the 12 hour shift on little sleep isn't helping. I also was working through frustration with A's dad the evening before and found out earlier today that A may be held back a grade, the only exception being if she continued in an academic support summer program. This may or may not happen as now they are filling up and I just found out today that the teacher is asking that.

I wish I hadn't taken this 3rd job for many reasons - A fell behind in her schoolwork with a lack of support from the person staying home with her, I was too tired when I was home, I fell behind in my own homework and did less than ideal in my courses and now I am starting to feel angry, weak, a lack of good sound judgement and just simply annoyed with the people I'm supposed to be helping. I'm just tired and the lack of rest is really taking a toll.

A good article about Cometbus and Aaron Elliot - probably only relevant if you know who and what that is.

BOOK REVIEW:

Border Crosser: One Gringo's Illicit Passage From Mexico into America by Johnny Rico

In my efforts to learn more about border politics and take in personal accounts of people who have crossed over the lines by means other than the offical entry points, I picked this one up recently. I wasn't sure what to expect but figured it could be interesting to hear a story of crossing as a white person who isn't crossing for survival or in search of a better life but is doing so to understand the trip and the difficulty and struggle.

The book didn't quite deliver what I was seeking. Johnny never did a true border crossing so the part of the story I was seeking never materialized. He did offer a generally funny narrative of his interactions with Minutemen and La Migra as well as locals in Nogales to note a few and the multiple times he wussed out on a plan to cross here or there was funny if not ironic - thousands of men, women and children do it each year but this one man couldn't muster up enough courage to complete a true "border jump"? Heck, I have a friend who came over from Guatemala with her mother as a 5 year old! She is now a citizen, for those who care, but it took her mother and her nearly 8 years to complete the process, and this was AFTER her mother married a U.S. citizen, I can see why some people just say fuck it and never bother.

I probably wouldn't pick it up again but I'll add it to my bookshelf for future reference if the need ever arises.

Alrightly then!

I was just telling someone, okay, my counselor, a week or two ago that sometimes I'm "so surrounded by dysfunction, I forget what it's like not to be..." and lo and behold that very thing popped to mind yesterday after a situation manifested and grew beyond my capabilities to put a stop to. My boss uttered a statement about mental illness that brought it back into perspective. I'm not sure why I am so dense about this stuff sometimes. Guess it's part of my own dysfunction that I need to keep in check and be very aware of.

Blarg.

Last Friday, I pulled into the shelter parking lot, returning from an outing to an art gallery with two clients.

I noted 3 guys sitting up against the garage door - one of which was signed up for the outing. As I walked up to chat, I heckled him for missing out. I was familiar with 2 of the 3. The guy I hadn't met, reached his hand up to me. I could tell he was pretty intoxicated and soon noted the tallboy of Steel Reserve sitting between his feet. I kneeled down and took his hand, he pleaded with me to help his wife and family. I asked where they were - he told me that they were staying at a nearby shelter. All I could do was reassure him that the staff over there would do whatever they could to help them. I hope that he trusts in that and feels that they are in a safe space.

I soon found myself gathering up a blanket for him as he had stated to me that he planned to sleep outside that night. It turned out that we were able to give him a bed and once that happened, he curled up and went to sleep for the rest of the night. In doing this, I did bend the rules but he seemed distraught and wasn't being obnoxious or overtly intoxicated so that the other guests knew. I've grown to be stringent on the rule to be able to enforce our policy to be a sober shelter and to be consistant with that rule (A lot of guests struggle to stay on the right path (for them, at the time) and stay sober and a slip-up could be a set back).

It's crazy how much comes out when someone has been drinking, I've seen more men crying in the last 6 months than I have in my lifetime. Even when they put on the tough guy front, the emotions spill out at some point, I suppose.