34. In 2 months, I will turn 34. In some ways, I am surrendering to the idea of aging. I've now got an old lady-ish pannier for my bike - as I walked away from the counter at the Hub, the worker congratulated me on "not having a sweaty back anymore" which I laughed at because it's so true.

I can barely fit into any pants at H&M anymore and some of the other stuff would look like I'm trying too hard to look young. I find myself going to stores that offer more mature clothing that will accencuate my curves not make me look like an aging hipster. Never really wanted to look like a hipster either way...but especially not now. The last time I was at a basement show was 2 years or so ago but that's more because I needed to get my social anxiety driven drinking under control since it was getting the better of me at a time when I wasn't feeling very strong emotionally and now, I barely know any bands that have been coming and going. I'm sure I'm not missing much but the social interaction can be refreshing but I guess I've found it alienating as well since I'm not around often and cannot ever be due to parenting. It was always nervewracking, going out if not among close friends.

I've given up the idea that I will ever travel willy-nilly again but am looking forward to a new brand of travel, with my daughter next to me - both exploring new places for the first time. Once she's grown or near it, the world is mine as long as I have the money and the time off. I yearn to move about the states and the world but have to also settle for the reality that this scenerio probably isn't realistic. But that won't stop me from at least taking some time to explore.

I'm also more sure of what I want for my future - stability. In my career, financial and in my personal life. After many years of barely staying afloat, I never want to be in that position again and I will do whatever it takes to not be. I would love to experience the joy that people describe when having a baby with a partner who is excited and loving and takes part in every aspect - willingly and happily. I'm trying to get over the feeling that a part of my life with Ariana was robbed from me (and her) because I've always had to bust my ass to support us which then stole away from being able to be home with her or to go out and have more good times. I would have loved to have the opportunity to stay at home with her more often and go out and do fun things together. I also see and hear about men who would do anything to support their family and I am envious. Not sure what I've done to not find that but it sure would be a nice feeling to have that security sometime before I'm dead and gone. I struggle with frustration surrounding this one almost daily. Having someone to share dreams with and have them actually come to fruiation would be nice and comforting.

I suppose growing older calls for accepting a lot of things for what they are and moving on if we can't change them. Trying not to let bitterness and anger ruin the good things. I find that, as always, having a lot of alone time helps me feel more balanced.