It's been a weekend of feeling meloncholy mixed with a lot of distaste for people in public places.

Everything was triggered by something else but I suppose that it is just unleashing things I was already bottling up. At least the meloncholy part anyway. I've never been a big fan of being in crowds in public, the rudeness and the attitudes (such as a woman in IKEA running into Ariana and not even acknowledging the situation and apologizing, I feel pretty confident that she would expect an apology if the situation was reverse) so that's where the distaste for people is coming in - it was prompted by much more than that simple scenario but that is just one reason this weekend brought it on. I guess most trips to IKEA trigger it as people tend to lose their minds and common sense once they step into that store.

The meloncholy was brought on by my own feelings of inadequacy that I fight everyday - seeing an amazing (seeming) woman at the store, knowing that I could never look that hot and even if I tried I would probably come off wrong and look awkward and stupid. I never feel like a "WOMAN" in the true sense of the word. I just feel blank, boring, boy-ish and not amazing. I had a spell in my life where I felt pretty cute and desirable but that got beat out of me before long (almost literally). I think I've spent the past 3 years talking people out of feeling anything for me and convincing them that they don't want to really be with me (because I think that's a fact) -it's not really an issue anymore but I still think about it. I wish I wouldn't have dated at all - It was a silly idea and plan, because I was a single mom and because I was living paycheck to paycheck, an issue for most even if they don't like to admit it (because it makes them look like a jerk and/or superficial). And none of them wanted to be serious, why did I waste their time or mine? Well, there were 3 that I didn't let go anywhere, for their sake. I know that I'm not what they wanted and didn't want to go there.
These days, a lot of my mixed emotions has to do with aging - for the first time in my life, the past 2-3 years, I am showing my age - my weight has gone up since I got a car and my clothes either don't fit or fit cruddy - the first thing I am doing at the beginning of the semester is getting a student membership at the Y. I have found a great route to my job so I am biking multiple times a week (wish I could say everyday like in the past but sometimes I need to swing by somewhere on the way home or have an appointment on the other side of town and it would just take too long via bike). I'm trying to be more mom-like, minus the mom jeans so that keeps me home and not out trying to be social. Even when I have gone out, there seems to be a whole new crowd, always younger. Or if they are transplants, they've already befriended everyone and I am still on the outskirts of the crowd I have "known" for years now. Never really being friends in the true sense of the word as I only got out even back in my heyday every once in a while (except for when I was spending time at the Bat Annex and Mala and Britta was in town) and when I did, I was home early or ended up overdoing it due to anxiety and just having a low tolerance. Classy.
Anway, a show I have taken to, TOUGH LOVE, is in it's 2nd season (tonight is a new episode!) and I can see myself in so many of those women. It's good for me to watch and take it all in. That being said, the demographic of men they feature is quite a bit different than someone I would be into. But again, it's not an issue now but just on my mind.

Watching "500 Days of Summer" brought on feelings that I haven't thought about in a while - The story line reminded me of myself a couple of years back with someone who incidently friended me (accidental or not) on facebook the same morning I watched that sappy movie. I had no idea what the movie was about - sappy or not. It made me feel sappy and sad and annoyed with myself. It's not a big deal but I'm just feeling edgy. But sure as the sun will rise, it will pass as well. I just wish it would hurry up.

As with most things in my life, I have learned to push things back/ignore them when I can't obtain them. I've recently been on a kick to buy a house while the $8000 tax credit deal is going, 2 people close to me have already done it (one a couple and one single mom) but as time moves forward, I don't know if it's a good idea. I mean, I would want to be able to have some savings to fix it up and get the nice things I want such as those classy stainless steel appliances, for example. I am also a commitment-phobe so not having a house to fool with makes relocating someday more of a breeze. See how easy it is to squash those ideas! I moped for a few weeks trying to figure out if I should try for it and now I'm over it and am not going to let not getting a house bother me to the point of being upset any more. It can just be something to look forward to in the future. By then, I should have a good wage coming in and be able to get something that we can be happy with long term.

Now on to other things that are keeping me happy:

- planning an Amtrak/car rental trip to the Pacific Northwest this Spring. I can't eff'n wait!!!

- Getting back to school in Jan after a semester and a summer off. Almost done in community college!!

- This neverending beautiful fall! I mean, who even needs a coat with weather like this?? Hopefully it's not a horrible global warming issue that is giving us this wealth of great weather...