Man. I have to applaud my nearby Marathon for a cheap post-brunch snack attack today - I got a can of coke, a cheese stick, a pack of dark chocolate m & m's and a 8 pack of Keebler "Toast & Peanut Butter" sandwich crackers all for $3.10.

That being said, while it's good for my money diet, I'm not so sure about my body diet. But considering the other foodstuffs I was sitting here fantasing about while working, I think it's much less calories.

Plus I needed to get out and get some fresh air. Sitting in this basement for 8 hours can start to wear me down. My boss hasn't been in since last Tuesday so it's beginning to feel like I've been abandoned.

Bummin.

The little lady and I set off to bike down to Whole Foods (we chose this store so we could get some mileage in...and the samples didn't hurt either) this afternoon - right before we left I created a new playlist for my iHome bike speaker dealio. I loaded onto my ipod and set off down the stairs. I popped it in. Nothing. I changed the batteries just in case that was the problem. Nothing. Now I was grumpy. I stomped upstairs and tossed it down and we left.

When I got back, it was determined not to turn on. So...I prepared to toss it but held off. I was lucky enough to find it on clearance for 20.00 when I got it so I'm not out a bunch but now I am debating whether or not to try another one. The CyFi is too expensive for me but I would hate to buy another iHome and have a duplicate experience.

ETA: Hold the presses! I just went downstairs and gave it another whirl - it took a minute but we got power! Hopefully whatever was causing the issue is done causing it for now. I want my tunes!

As Kurtis Blow would say "These are The Breaks!"

I'm also in the market for some quality panniers. I prefer handmade, specifically the Queen Bee ones but the price for one is the same as a set at Black Star Bags. I'm getting to the point where I am sick of hauling by bag around on my back for quick jaunts or as today panned out - carrying a load in my bag when I could just stuff it into a pannier. I had coffee, a bag of Timothy hay and a bag of food for the G. Pig, 2 kryptonite bike locks (one for me, one for Ana), a bottle of water and other debris that hangs out in my bag at all times (armwarmers, wallet, compact bike pump, bike tool, tail light, notepad, junk, junk, junk) and once we pulled in at home, I popped my bag off and felt pinching in my back. Clearly my lifestyle since I've procured this van has caused my back to weaken and feel old.

While seeking out the perfect panniers, I stumbled across this beaut of a front crate for hauling items, including drink holders for coffee, for example. I'm already halfway there with my CETMA rack, although I have yet to install it (I was going to leave that to the pros, I have my reason but don't feel like explaining).

Either way, it's all window shopping right now. Things are still tight and our upcoming trip back to MI will need a little funding as well.
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I did 2 overnights at the shelter this week and found that I feel like I really want to start doing one shift every week or as close to it as possible. It's so much easier to be there and hang when you "know" the guys that you're working with.

I find their stories amazing...for example, I sat with a guy Friday night who had been attending film production school - he pulled out his laptop and showed me some of his work and his software that creates stop action animation and other things (like the menu page of a dvd, for example). He was halfway through his program with no degree yet. I'm unsure of what drove him here from LA and why he didn't finish his program, he didn't tell me and I didn't ask, it's not my place to necessarily. I worry about his laptop being stolen and therefore all of his work and tools to do work...

Another guy stopped in early Saturday morning as everyone was gearing up to leave for the day (they have to be out by 7am). We were talking about his ipod which turned into him telling me about his story - abandoned in the hospital as a baby, grew up in S. Central LA in foster care, finally was adopted, always did really well in school, got a scholarship which he went to University with but didn't finish due to bad choices, eventually got an attempted murder charge (plus others prior to dealing with weapons, drugs, etc..) and spent 15 years in a TN prison. He's been out for 8 months and trying to find work...not likely to happen unless he can find someone that isn't going to do a background check or someone that is willing to work with his past (he has had a few opportunities, one that is a company that will given ex-offenders a chance to work and to prove themselves).

When given this information, I often don't know what to say, what the person is looking for from me - help? just a listening ear to vent to?

It's giving me the interpersonal skills to simply listen and not try to offer advice or fixes to their problems. I will give resources to community services and offer up supportive words and things for them to ponder (as needed) but try to just be there for them as a shoulder to lean on if they want it. A lot of the men never open up. There are a bunch that I would like to know their story but don't feel comfortable asking if they haven't offered up an background information. I'm not an advocate by job title so it isn't my "need to know".

This week I applied at another shelter that is in our system of private shelters, they need someone to work about 10 hours a week split between 2 shifts. The pay isn't great (9/hr) but it would supplement my full time job and give me something as my temporary position ends in April. It also gives me more on the job experience which I know is valuable to finding my permanent career position in the upcoming months/years.

It Blech Friday! And...I'm at work. Which is only bothersome because I am one of very few here today not because I'm missing out on anything (besides sleeping in). It's lonely.

On the other hand, I can crank up MPR and not worry about bothering anyone.

Couple of things coming up:

• December 4 & 5 - No Coast Craft-o-rama at the Midtown Market - check out artists like Adam Turman, Amy Rice, Grovecraft, and Miss AmyJo in particular. Good stuff.
• December 17th - 2009 Homeless March and Service - honoring the lives of members of the homeless community who died in 2009.
• Possibly only relevant to me but new episodes of Intervention and Hoarders this Monday! I'm dorking on out tv for the next 5 months, that is, until my 29.99 deal is over which also happens to coincide with the beginning of Spring so TV takes a backseat anyway.

WARNING: CRITICAL THOUGHTS BELOW...

If it weren't enough to have to listen as my boss fielded calls all, and turned down, week from people wanting to come to the family shelter to volunteer on Thanksgiving...

I worked overnight at the Men's shelter last night - we allowed the guys to sit up 'til midnight to watch a movie. My 'partner' and I were exhausted and we literally counting down the minutes to Midnight (2 minutes to Miiiiddddnight!, sorry, had to do it). She went ahead and started to lie down, I went to shoo everyone out of the den and shut down and lock up the room. Just as soon as I got into the volunteer 'bedroom' and began to sit down...the phone rang.

On the other end was an old lady, she wanted to bring food on Thanksgiving, food being sweet potatoes. She stated that she had made too many and wanted to bring them somewhere. I tried to be patient as she rambled on about this. She wanted to bring them between noon and 2 or something, which is impossible as no one is at the shelter until 3pm. So I let her know that but suggested that she could try to bring it to the school a few buildings down as they were opening it up for the day so people would have a place to go (since the city shuts down on holidays, homeless folks have no where to hang out or get business done). She then wanted phone numbers for the group handling that, which I didn't have. This led to more rambling on her part - she was coming into Mpls from Blaine and didn't want to drive over to the school if they couldn't take it but I couldn't guarentee that the could or would take it. Finally, I suggested that she call around 7am and talk to my boss and maybe he could tell her more. Gah! She had good intentions but calling somewhere at Midnight to discuss them was kind of not good.

This morning, as the meal group got their breakfast started, the fire alarm started squealing. No one knew how to turn it off, I couldn't find a notation anywhere about how to turn it off. The 1st call matainance man wouldn't answer his phone but luckily the 2nd guy did. After a half and hour or more of the extremely loud alarm blaring, a simple push of a button disarmed it. Yes! Unfortunatlely, it was a shocking wake up call for the guys, who were incidently supposed to be able to sleep in until 7am this morning (the alarm started around 6:15am).

So to wrap up:

Volunteering and donating the other 362 days a year = good

Volunteering and donating only on Thanksgiving, xmas and Easter = not as helpful to bombard agencies with offers though the thought is still appreciated (although my personal thought is that it seems a little artificial and insincere to only want to help on holidays)

Ariana and I have started a thing where each time we go to Target, we check the men's clearance for socks and undies and pick them up as they are on sale or clearance - otherwise we try to bring something at least once a month if not each time I volunteer/work (about 2 x a month). Donating to the men's shelter isn't as sexy to the general public as donating to other shelters, that's fine, I do understand. Believe me, I've gone through all the thoughts and judgements and annoyances over the years. I am trying to wean that out of me and just think about their basic needs as humans, even if they didn't always make great choices throughout life possibly, they still have time for a 2nd chance. And not all of them even fall under that catagory, it really runs the gamet.

Anyway, if people that liked to donate or volunteer just picked up one thing each trip and brought it somewhere, the basic needs like undies/socks/deodorant/tampons/etc... would stay better stocked.

Did you know that most food shelves don't carry feminine hygiene products? When the cafe closed this past year and I lost my job and was waiting on unemployment and such, that was a problem for me, with no cash it was hard to get this basic need. I mean, I don't like bleeding anyway but damn, it happens whether you have money to take care of it or not. Anyway, I will stop talking about that now and go take the dog out...

I read an article last week in the Southwest Journal that discussed the proposed East/West Light Rail transit line that would incidently run through more uppity areas of SW Minneapolis.

Opponents are off the hook: "Still, concerns remain. At least one opponent of the Kenilworth route is prepared to take legal action if not enough is done to protect residents and city amenities along the future transit corridor." and further down: "He said a “coalition of interested neighbors” was prepared to file a court challenge if they believe plans for mitigation efforts fall short. They’ve already consulted with attorneys representing the University of Minnesota in a lawsuit over the Central Corridor light rail line down University Avenue."

My take on it? A bunch of rich babies who don't want people that might not be like them in their neighborhoods. Selfish, selfish people. Nevermind that this transit line can provide people with an opportunity to get to jobs in the outer Metro without having to sit on a bus for an hour then try to walk or bike an additional amount through the very pedestrian/cyclist unfriendly suburbs.

I get that people will be inconvienced during construction and that it will affect some neighborhoods and they will have to adapt to change. But it is for the greater good in many ways. And the larger point is that no one goes as far to threaten to sue when these types of projects are proposed in weaker, low-income neighborhoods. Some of these same types of people can drive through and buy their drugs and pick up prostitutes and shit on our neighborhoods then go home to their cushy homes but god forbid someone try to make transit easier for people who can't own cars, choose not to own cars and want to see a healthier city.

It's the NOT IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD syndrome through and through.

Winter (in theory) dorkout

Movies I'm looking forward to seeing:
- Precious
- Whip It!
- Brothers
- The Road

It's been a weekend of feeling meloncholy mixed with a lot of distaste for people in public places.

Everything was triggered by something else but I suppose that it is just unleashing things I was already bottling up. At least the meloncholy part anyway. I've never been a big fan of being in crowds in public, the rudeness and the attitudes (such as a woman in IKEA running into Ariana and not even acknowledging the situation and apologizing, I feel pretty confident that she would expect an apology if the situation was reverse) so that's where the distaste for people is coming in - it was prompted by much more than that simple scenario but that is just one reason this weekend brought it on. I guess most trips to IKEA trigger it as people tend to lose their minds and common sense once they step into that store.

The meloncholy was brought on by my own feelings of inadequacy that I fight everyday - seeing an amazing (seeming) woman at the store, knowing that I could never look that hot and even if I tried I would probably come off wrong and look awkward and stupid. I never feel like a "WOMAN" in the true sense of the word. I just feel blank, boring, boy-ish and not amazing. I had a spell in my life where I felt pretty cute and desirable but that got beat out of me before long (almost literally). I think I've spent the past 3 years talking people out of feeling anything for me and convincing them that they don't want to really be with me (because I think that's a fact) -it's not really an issue anymore but I still think about it. I wish I wouldn't have dated at all - It was a silly idea and plan, because I was a single mom and because I was living paycheck to paycheck, an issue for most even if they don't like to admit it (because it makes them look like a jerk and/or superficial). And none of them wanted to be serious, why did I waste their time or mine? Well, there were 3 that I didn't let go anywhere, for their sake. I know that I'm not what they wanted and didn't want to go there.
These days, a lot of my mixed emotions has to do with aging - for the first time in my life, the past 2-3 years, I am showing my age - my weight has gone up since I got a car and my clothes either don't fit or fit cruddy - the first thing I am doing at the beginning of the semester is getting a student membership at the Y. I have found a great route to my job so I am biking multiple times a week (wish I could say everyday like in the past but sometimes I need to swing by somewhere on the way home or have an appointment on the other side of town and it would just take too long via bike). I'm trying to be more mom-like, minus the mom jeans so that keeps me home and not out trying to be social. Even when I have gone out, there seems to be a whole new crowd, always younger. Or if they are transplants, they've already befriended everyone and I am still on the outskirts of the crowd I have "known" for years now. Never really being friends in the true sense of the word as I only got out even back in my heyday every once in a while (except for when I was spending time at the Bat Annex and Mala and Britta was in town) and when I did, I was home early or ended up overdoing it due to anxiety and just having a low tolerance. Classy.
Anway, a show I have taken to, TOUGH LOVE, is in it's 2nd season (tonight is a new episode!) and I can see myself in so many of those women. It's good for me to watch and take it all in. That being said, the demographic of men they feature is quite a bit different than someone I would be into. But again, it's not an issue now but just on my mind.

Watching "500 Days of Summer" brought on feelings that I haven't thought about in a while - The story line reminded me of myself a couple of years back with someone who incidently friended me (accidental or not) on facebook the same morning I watched that sappy movie. I had no idea what the movie was about - sappy or not. It made me feel sappy and sad and annoyed with myself. It's not a big deal but I'm just feeling edgy. But sure as the sun will rise, it will pass as well. I just wish it would hurry up.

As with most things in my life, I have learned to push things back/ignore them when I can't obtain them. I've recently been on a kick to buy a house while the $8000 tax credit deal is going, 2 people close to me have already done it (one a couple and one single mom) but as time moves forward, I don't know if it's a good idea. I mean, I would want to be able to have some savings to fix it up and get the nice things I want such as those classy stainless steel appliances, for example. I am also a commitment-phobe so not having a house to fool with makes relocating someday more of a breeze. See how easy it is to squash those ideas! I moped for a few weeks trying to figure out if I should try for it and now I'm over it and am not going to let not getting a house bother me to the point of being upset any more. It can just be something to look forward to in the future. By then, I should have a good wage coming in and be able to get something that we can be happy with long term.

Now on to other things that are keeping me happy:

- planning an Amtrak/car rental trip to the Pacific Northwest this Spring. I can't eff'n wait!!!

- Getting back to school in Jan after a semester and a summer off. Almost done in community college!!

- This neverending beautiful fall! I mean, who even needs a coat with weather like this?? Hopefully it's not a horrible global warming issue that is giving us this wealth of great weather...

• Who would have thought I'd be riding to work in a short sleeve shirt and hoodie at the end of November. I want to use those bargin Merino woolies that I got!!
• Burning question of the moment: How the hell do people get the nickname "Peg" or "Peggy" out of Margaret???!!! I don't understand why generations have continued this phenomena...
• A few more weeks and we'll be Michigan bound. It's been a couple of years since I've drove back. The Amtrak has been nice although it doesn't allow me to clear my storage unit out (one of my goals this time). If I can get that stuff all donated or brought back here I will save $40 a month ($50 if I'm late, which I am about every 4-6 months). Imagine how much I've spent on it since 2006-2007! Actually, I would rather not know, it pains me to think about it...

I kind of want to move to Detroit.

Pros:

- I would be within an hour and a half drive of "home".
- I could proceed into a Master of Social Work program at Wayne State.
- Trumbullplex - hosts many bands I would be delighted to see.
- Getting to New York state or Canada would be faster - if we wanted to do so.
- Ditto for urban Ohio.
- Ummm... supposedly there is a cool tile factory/museum and a huge bookstore there.
- The Magic Stick occasionally has some okay bands.
- Cheap rents. I'm also guessing that most landlords don't give a shit what you do as long as you're not trashing the place. I hear of lots of urban farming going on there - perfect for my dream of owning chickens and making raised beds to grow food on.
- The Heidelberg Project.
- The gritty urban feel I like about a place.

Cons:

- I would get homesick for Minneapolis probably within 6 months.
- The public school system most likely is in a state of disarray, knowing Michigan and I'm not so sure that I would want my daughter to attend there without knowing more.
- It's not called the Murder City for no reason...and apparently, after reading this article about a man found dead frozen in ice and attempts to call for help going unresponded to, I am a bit dismayed by their social servants behaviors.
- Finding a job in that state is like hunting unicorns.

The Rule of Six:

While assisting with a training session at work this weekend, I was asked to re-type a handout on something called The Rule of Six. I found it to be a great reminder of how to work towards being non-judgemental to people whose personal life situations you aren't privy to. How to treat people with kindness regardless.

The concept is this:

Notice the man stumbling down Franklin Ave, yelling at anyone who happens to pass him, drunk out of his gourd. He's dirty and most likely slept outside last night. A situation I have been in many times actually.

Before we assume we know what his situation is, we need to consider at LEAST six reasons he might be where he is right at that moment.

In this scenerio, my six:

1. He just broke up with a partner and went on a bender, passed out outdoors. Angry at the world and wants to tell everyone who will listen.
2. He has struggled throughout his life with alcoholism and continues to.
3. His friends stranded him at the bar, he had to walk home and is angry and wants to tell the world. He's fallen once or twice on that walk and got dirty.
4. He doesn't drink often and went a little overboard. He is now trying to get home, drunk out of his gourd. He has Tourettes
5. Mentally Ill and homeless, shared a bottle with some street friends. Talks aloud because of his disease.
6. College kid who binge drinks. He and his girlfriend fought at a party that night. He is walking back home angry.

Obviously, this is only the surface reasons. The person could have a history of being beaten as a child, molested, neglect. His parents could have allowed him to ingest alcohol from a young age and it's led to this. He could have had a Traumatic Brain Injury and now can't work. Etc...

I want to remember this as I am passing the travelling kids I vented about in a previous post. They could be coming from homes they can't return to. They could have fled abuse and neglect. Assuming a one size fits all judgement isn't fair. This is why I choose to challenge myself. I chose to work with the Men's Shelter to learn, to challenge myself - I don't understand men well, I don't have a good exposure to men and want to learn to not be intimidated by them, not to judge and treat them as harshly as I tend to do. To understand that they can have emotional sides and to treat them accordingly.

The other night, I shared with C my surprise at observing the men at the shelter interact. I had envisioned fights, macho posturing and roughness. Once the guys get in, most of them become softer and they know how to compromise and share the space no matter how uncomfortable it can get sometimes. I've had many of them really open up to me and share their emotions about being homeless, about their past and where they are going. All I can do is listen and encourage them to stay on track. I know the temptations of the street can be tough to avoid and trouble lurks around many corners for these guys. Many of them are recovering from prison stay or felonies from less than 7 years ago, to get in trouble again would be a big blow. Some of them haven't gotten their GEDs yet and that saddens me - it limits their ability to go to college or apply to most jobs. I think it bothers me most because I can't just do it for them like I could a resume, they have to be the ones that study, that follow through on test day and hopefully pass the test.

Anyway, The Rule of Six. Remember that.

File under awkward:

So...in an attempt to fulfill my final array of courses at the community college and prepare to transfer into my final school, I was searching for a 2 credit course - I stumbled upon an Accordian lesson "course" that would fulfill one area of general requirements. Hey! I have an accordian that I haven't learned to play yet and here was a perfect opportunity!

Per the instructions on the course listing, I called the person listed as the instructor to find out if I could register then arrange for our weekly meeting time.

A woman answered. I asked for L, the gentleman listed. At first she couldn't hear me so I repeated the name, she replied "Well that's impossible." Pause. Okay... She then asked me something along the lines of what did I want or whatnot. I stated that I was on the MCTC website trying to register for this accordian class and it instructed me to call this number and speak to L. She replies "He died in September!" Oh. I just said "I apologize" and we wrapped up the call quickly.

I immediately called the school and let them know what had happened and that the site obviously needed to be updated.

That whole situation sucked in so many ways.