Beautiful day - I just walked across the street to the corner store to get some sweet and salty snacks. People were smiling, holding the door and ushering hi's. But as I exited, I was asked for change by a man I had noted standing near the door as I approached on my way in.
I was faced with that split second response - "Sorry, I don' t have any change." Which wasn't true and honestly, I don't even know why I said that. But more complicating, since I work with homeless men now, it is technically a conflict of interest to give someone change, at least if that someone is a client of my workplace. I looked this man in the eyes as I walked away blubbering a dumb white lie about not having any change to assist him in his goal of making .85 cents and I assessed whether or not he was familiar. He wasn't. I debated as I took each step farther from him and almost turned back but didn't. I don't know what stopped me. I had the money. I think the complication of him coming to the shelter and remembering me (unlikely that he would remember me) was part of it. The other part was that I didn't want to take the time to dig out 1 dollar and have him see the other 4 I had in my pocket then the sinking feeling of guilt that accompanies THAT. Then I feel like I should give more. My problem, not his.
And why do I even assume that he was homeless. He could be housed and just broke, broke, broke.
The perils of being human.
Hard to say. I used to stop and listen to the spiel, and I think I was targeted because of it. One guy in particular would flag me down to tell me for ten minutes about how much love he had to share with people--which somehow meant I was supposed to give him money--and frequently he'd make me late coming back from lunch break. Or I made myself late by not breaking off his monologue and standing up for myself.
ReplyDeleteRecently a couple guys approached me for change but their tactic was different. One pointed at my scarf and asked where I got it. "American Surplus," I said, and he warmed up, insisting he loved that place. That was a blatant lie, since the proprietor there is pretty openly racist and would have made him feel very unwelcome every minute he was on the premises.
I've written off the whole game. I feel no guilt at saying "I don't have anything" if I'm trying to go somewhere. After 13 years of dealing with it, I'm feeling pretty ungenerous. They do appreciate it when I look them in the eye to say it, though. They hate it when people can't even look at them or act like they can't hear.