Some podcasts I've been listening to the past few days:

The life of Rene Enriquez, an ex-leader of the Mexican Mafia speaks of his transitions from active gang member to someone that has defected while still in prison.

This is the story of a man who was deported back to El Salvador after living in the states since he was 5. He was sent back because of his involvement in crime here in the U.S. His story is striking to me, his stories of assimilating into his El Salvadorian culture as an American raised citizen. Even though his choices led him to his present day prediciment, I can feel for him and what he now faces.

After the Projects - This covers what happened in Chicago when they shut down the Ida B. Wells housing projects and moved families into scattered site housing throughout the Chicago Metro area. Interesting.

I recently found 2Pac's Greatest Hits cassette for 98 cents at Half Price Books (my van has a cassette player still). It's in heavy rotation despite the short playlist.

One of my favorite passages in a song:

"sit down and conversate like you know me, take my hand
Cause even Thugs get lonely, understand
Even the hardest of my homies need attention
Catch you blowin up the telephone, reminiscin
I wanna take you to the movies, empty park
Let's find a spot for you to do me, in the dark
Now that it's passion, hold me tight
Don't need lights, I can see you by the moonlight
I know your man ain't lovin you right
You're lonely under pressure need a Thug in your life"

Something about using the word Thug in a love song style makes me smile.

Spurred by my continued mid-winter obsession with needing fruits and vegetables, I made Chicken with Green Sauce from scratch, bought a pepper in each color (orange, yellow, red and a sweet green type) and 3 containers of strawberries. I am determined to cut out some of the junk we've been eating since winter took hold - for many reasons: to gain more vitamins and energy, to reduce caloric intake, to reduce high salt and sugar in our diet.

Since my effieciency at multi-tasking while cooking is not ideal - there were some tense moments during the whole operation. That being said, I have gotten over some of my cooking anxiety (some of which was heightened at one point in the previous years when I dated the brother of a professional cook, I was afraid to cook anything around either of them and turns out, due to being broke as a joke due to job loss, it didn't come up. The one time it did, I wasn't allowed the chance to make my dish so I guess I lucked out) and have tried some new recipes this past 6 months. I want to cook and be good at it. Ariana had been a huge help and inspiration as well since she loves to help out with cooking and prepping.

I also looovvvveeee window shopping for pretty casserole dishes and kitchen gadgets but need to cultivate the skills to cook well to go along with them.

Tally from work last night:

3 = Number of visitors I had to ask to leave/walk out because they have been drinking prior to stopping in

0 = Number of those same men who actually currently had a bed with us

4 = Number of times I had to walk one of those men back out after he had snuck back in!

6 = Number of times (approximately) that I was told "I love you"

2 = Number of men who told me that

1 = Number of men who started crying after saying "I love you" over and over as I was escorting him out...AWKWARD!

1 = Number of kisses on the hand that accompanied the statement (someone is in trouble for sneaking THAT one)

1 = Number of times I was told in Spanish that I was racist (for asking a drunk man to leave)

10 = Number of minutes (approximately) I stood there not knowing what I was being told until someone else translated it to me, so THAT'S why he looked angry

30 = Number of minutes spent daydreaming about Punta Mango Beach in El Salvador after sitting and talking with a young man from there for a bit - we google the area, where he used to go surfing, BEAUTIFUL!

Seeing these hand printed towels reminded me of an pictoral/article I recently read about a place in the California desert called Slab City. Apparently it's been there for years (upon closer look) but it was featured in the newest issue of The Sun. Check it out and buy some great towels while you're at it.

I've discovered that going up a pant size has compromised my fashion ideals. I can now be seen wearing items I wouldn't have chosen in the past but have been forced to wear.

The thrift stores are hit or miss. And the few stores I choose to shop at don't have a comfortable fitting pant for me. I partially blame the popularity of the low-low rise pant - I think I can confidently say that most women couldn't fit into these. There isn't enough pant at the top to fit anyone older than 22 unless they are one of those uniquely small people. Most skinny jeans, which I actually do like, have this waist and obviously it is a barrier. I'm in a weird place where size 10 is pushing it or sometimes impossible and the next size up is often falling off of me by the end of the day.

I'm switching to skirts and dresses!

This highly unimportant post was brought to you today by "The Big Booty Association of America".

Some fun DIY foodie workshops coming up through the Minnesota Historical Society:

March 13th, 2010 - DIY!: Cheese
Cheese in Minnesota is about more than just deep fried curds! James Norton, author of "The Master Cheesemakers of Wisconsin" and editor of "The Heavy Table," discusses Midwestern cheese varieties, and some of the best makers out there.
Jeff Jirik of Faribault Dairy leads a hands-on demo and offers samples of some of their best work.

and

April 3rd, 2010 - DIY!: Meat
As long as there's ice on Minnesota's great lakes, there will be ice fishing.
Learn more about this wintry tradition with Greg Breining, author of "A Hard Water World: Ice Fishing and Why We Do It," and enjoy a demo on prepping a whole fish to eat with chef Dawn Drouillard.
Fish not your favorite? Mike Phillips of Craftsman shows us how to make sausage!

Beautiful day - I just walked across the street to the corner store to get some sweet and salty snacks. People were smiling, holding the door and ushering hi's. But as I exited, I was asked for change by a man I had noted standing near the door as I approached on my way in.

I was faced with that split second response - "Sorry, I don' t have any change." Which wasn't true and honestly, I don't even know why I said that. But more complicating, since I work with homeless men now, it is technically a conflict of interest to give someone change, at least if that someone is a client of my workplace. I looked this man in the eyes as I walked away blubbering a dumb white lie about not having any change to assist him in his goal of making .85 cents and I assessed whether or not he was familiar. He wasn't. I debated as I took each step farther from him and almost turned back but didn't. I don't know what stopped me. I had the money. I think the complication of him coming to the shelter and remembering me (unlikely that he would remember me) was part of it. The other part was that I didn't want to take the time to dig out 1 dollar and have him see the other 4 I had in my pocket then the sinking feeling of guilt that accompanies THAT. Then I feel like I should give more. My problem, not his.

And why do I even assume that he was homeless. He could be housed and just broke, broke, broke.

The perils of being human.

Somehow I only made a little over $10,000 last year. My tax return will be a little over half of what I made. Some of this was the result of working as a Work Study employee at the college. Americorps was another low paying gig. I've probably made most of that total in the past 4 months at my current day job.

I knew money was tight this past year but I didn't realize it was to that degree. I just attributed some of that to my rent being higher than it's been in the past (while paying it alone anyway).

Question of the week: Are men more racist or just more apt to voice their opinions?

I'm finding myself always surrounded by so many racist comments, my head feels like it's going to explode!

It's in my face on facebook, at the shelter, at home, in the Star Tribune comments section, everywhere!

And the very fact that the people voicing their opinions assume that everyone else agrees or at the very least wants to hear it just annoys me.

I personally feel ENRICHED by meeting people from other countries. I LIKE foods from other cultures. I don't feel like my job is threatened by immigrants - legal or illegal, the closest I've felt to that is when a manager told me that I was passed over for the job because I wasn't bi-lingul. I was bummed but life went on and last week I saw another posting for a job I would love but can't apply for because of the same reason. Sure I'm bummed but it's reality. I'm not blaming anyone but myself since I haven't learned a 2nd language beyond the basics.

Just sayin.

I'm at a point in my life where I am seeing the greatness and beauty in people in a way that makes me feel alive and hopeful and curious to know more.

From the guys at the shelter to the people in my Saturday morning class - one boy spoke of being stabbed and shot as he attempted to leave gang life behind. A young women spoke of her life growing up in Gary and a man of his in Chicago - a life surrounded by drugs, gritty city, street life and violence. The latter noted at the end of his poem how these were things that no wanted wanted to hear, the instructor questioned his statement and I quietly agreed. I want to hear their stories of survival and life. I want to hear about where they are headed now.

Saturday night, one of our shelter guests was giving the other guys haircuts - soon this young little metalhead comes prancing into our office, glasses on, long hair back and tattoos out. He came to show off his newly shaved hair - T had shaved up the sides. My co-worker and I looked at one another after he danced away and said to one another "We love our job!"

I never want to be a cubicle monkey again.

Before the month of January wraps up and it's later than late...

Songs that made my 2009 (not necessarily released in '09):

• MGMT - Kids, Electric Feel
• Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - Home
• Empire State of Mind - Jay-z and Alicia Keys
• Jay Reatard - Fading All Away
• Lucero - Watch it Burn, Bikeriders, What else would you have me be?
• Kurtis Blow - The Breaks
• Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
• Kimya Dawson - The Beer
• Iron & Wine - Lions Mane
• M. Ward - To save me

/ I've deduced that I must not be an authentic college student as I don't know what "J-Term" means. From what I have gleaned so far, it seems to include going to a foreign country to "study" (read: party), which in the real world sounds like something only kids with money could afford to do. I will google it later and learn more.

/ This morning I found the motherload of Jersey Shore quotes and accompanying commentary! yes! Yes! YES! I <3 New York Magazine, I miss my subscription...

OH! And I will be getting my own business cards soon!

I've never had my own card before, and at a job and agency that I am so stoked to be at on top of it!!

I am really disappointed in myself that I cannot functionally speak Spanish. I feel like I am missing out on a lot of amazing life stories from the guys. Not to mention, when something important comes up, like having to ask so and so to leave because they have been drinking, I need to be able to feel confident that they understand me and I understand their response. I am translating key phrases and such and am starting to study important words and phrases but as of yet, my mind goes blank when I'm in action at work.



Right now, there is this young guy from Argentina with the most mezmorizing bright blue eyes...and I don't think he knows a lick of English. Or if he does, it's pretty basic. I would love to know his story, to find out why he's here and where he's been. He just started showing up about a month ago, hanging out with the Latino crew that had beds or who were on the wait list. He would leave when the time came for those not staying for the night to move along. He won a 28 day bed finally this last week. Maybe I'll get a chance to sit down and see what his story* is.

This also applies to other languages but that hasn't been so much of an issue - the guy from Romania didn't get a 28 day bed and he seems to understand and speak English well and the guy from Belarus is about the same.
_____________________________________________________________
* "Story"
I kind of hate that terminology but I guess sometimes it's the easiest way to get across what someone means. The other night we had a referral from one of our street outreach crew - a young guy fresh in town from Texas, as I was showing him where to find his bed and linens, he asked "So..what's your story? Fresh out of college and volunteering here or something..is this how you spend your Friday nights?" I kind of skirted the question and just told him that I was there because it's what I want to do and left it at that. Fresh out of college? Flattering - yes. Reality - no. Unfortunately, I think I might have handled it a bit wrong because I think I either offended him or made him feel weird for asking and not getting an answer. Not my intention but I didn't really want to get into my "story" with him (boundaries for one thing).

I just have to say, my experience trying to find unsweetened ice tea around the city's corner stores and groceries has yielded disappointing results. I am happy to report that the gas station kitty corner to job #1 has it and better yet, a good brand of it.

I was beginning to feel like I was living amongst a secret society of transplants from the south who refused service to those of us that like our tea black and untampered.

One highlight and one lowlight of recent shifts:

/ A man bringing a huge body lice to show us, he had found it crawling up into his 'pit. I taped it to a piece of paper to identify and keep it corralled. It was still moving it's legs 3 days later!! You can see that it still has blood in it's system so it must just need that to live. Eke!

/ Learning trial by fire how to convince someone that we don't have a bed and he has to leave without involving outside authorities. It took about a half an hour of talking in circles but finally he took no for an answer and made his way out to the bus stop to head to the downtown shelters. Trying not to internalize feeling bad took a little more time but he was well aware when he arrived that getting a bed was less than 50/50 chance and he insisted anyway.

I am so happy to be at the shelter as staff, our guest/cook, R keeps laughing at me because I am so hyper and goofy when I get in, it's because I am ===== HAPPY (and a little tired, pulling double shifts makes your brain a little haywire sometimes).

To-do list for 2010:

/ Start Ariana in a hip-hop dance class

/ Get a scholarship to the Y or commit to being more active again

/ Go to Vermont for Britta's wedding, maybe via train with a pit stop in NYC?

/ Get a new couch and a new mattress - my back is killing me with the ones I have.

/ Ace the math placement test so I can reduce the number of courses I need to pass to transfer

/ Master the art of making a good referral (at work) and being an effective advocate

/ Purge my wardrobe

/ Learn to speak better Spanish, I need to be able to communicate with the Latino guys that come to the shelter. I personally feel really uncomfortable trying to ask them things, explain rules or do required duties and not knowing if they understand what I'm trying to do/say/accomplish.

A Decade in review:

The year leading up to 1999 were years of new discoveries - we traveled every chance we got. Quick trips to the East Coast - My 1988 Dodge Omni carried us farther than I would trust my current van but perhaps it is the youthful optimism and sense of invincibility that helped us make it. We camped in Upstate New York and befriended the local store owners who gave us free pizza in exchange for C asking the man's partner to marry him (I assume they were joking around), stayed overnight in an empty campground in Pennsylvania, drove through Boston to visit Salem, visited Niagara Falls. Not in that order, we kind of inched East, testing the little car's limits and taking longer weekends each time.

June of 1999 - we dropped the lease on the little house we rented (in MI), moved all of our stuff to the in-laws and hit the road. Our travel took us down to West Virginia where C nearly got head butted by a buck in the campground while I hid in the tent both laughing and a little worried as he flailed around on the picnic table. We spent a day or two with his family, woke up to a flat tire and once that was repaired, headed into the deep South.
Once there, we spent about a week in St. Petersberg with friends, who we later relocated with to Minneapolis. The only event of note while there was my forced (pressured, signed up against my will) participation in a wet t-shirt contest (with a bathing suit under the shirt!!). Somehow I was one of the finalists but flipped the audience off and ultimately walked off laughing. Crazy times!

Our trip took us through the humidity of the Southern coast where I could barely sleep in the tent while dressed but didn't feel safe not being so. In Texas we experienced some shady activities while sleeping in the car at rest stops. Looking back, I think we were in danger at one point but didn't allow ourselves to be as vulnerable as we could have and I think the perps backed off, we drove away soon after, paranoid about their intentions. I came very close to having a heat stroke between Texas and New Mexico and we were forced to break out the credit card for the first time and get a motel room. Again, looking back, I should have gone to the ER but didn't out of fear of a big bill (no insurance at the time). After that, we headed back North up through Colorado - I didn't want to play with that heat any more. Besides, we were traveling and camping, one drive through a campground in NM proved that camping down there would be a whole new experience that I wasn't ready/prepared for at the time. Heading North was absolutely the right choice! Colorado was a wealth of free camping, ice cold rivers to glean water from and great views. We next hit up Oregon, Washington and Northern California then with under $100 (besides the credit card) left, we decided we better head home. We logged a month on the road and I yearn for that experience often.

Once back in MI, we were sure that we were ready to fly the coop. Traveling was the first step, moving the second. BUT! There became a slight road bump. I had become pregnant! Over that year we had been pretty lax about protection, tempting fate to do what it needed to do. I've never been one to plan for something like that - it never seems like a great time to have a child but NOW that we've started the wheels in motion to plan a move - to either St. Pete or Minneapolis, this baby in me is throwing a wrench in our plans. Despite the unexpected, we moved forward with plans (mostly).
Thanksgiving came, C and our friend L moved out to Minneapolis and got us a place in Uptown. I drove out in a snowstorm on Christmas Eve (my first real day to explore the city was Christmas Day which was great because it was so quiet and surreal) and so it began.

2000 - I was able to land a job at the 24th and Hennepin Walgreens pretty quickly and soon was hired in to the Animal Humane Society which, at the time, was more in my line of work and experience. By my 8th month of pregnancy, in May, I was still lifting dogs onto the exam tables and squeezing into cages to vaccinate and such. I refused to quit and sit around. Two weeks before I had Ariana, my mother-in-law drove out to pick me up and brought me home to MI to prepare for the inevitable. C came out THE DAY I had Ariana which didn't make me very happy or feel very supported.

2001 - Our stint in MI lasted a year and we were able to get back to Minneapolis and move ahead in our lives. This time we landed a 2 bedroom in a 40 unit building, we quickly took over as caretakers which gave us free rent but didn't cover expenses or utilities. I took a job at Whole Foods to cover that. Around this time, C and I's relationship started souring. I'll refrain from details but it was both of us that caused it and the pressure of being parents probably only made it more tough.

2002 - I landed a position at a high end Veterinary Hospital and spent 3 years there. It was my first living wage job I had while living here. We decided to drop the care taking gig and move into a beautiful 2 bedroom duplex in Powderhorn (a block from where I live currently). We spent about a year here and at the end, went our separate ways.

2003 - I moved into a house in Phillips with 2 other mamas and their kids, my first time ever having roommates. I had my second teenagehood for better or worse (actually it was better than my first considering I never really had a first and now I was in a city with lots of trouble, good and bad, to get into). C and I were back and forth. My roommates changed over to a man and his daughter half time and his good friend. I still worked at the veterinary hospital. I started biking for the first time since we moved to Minneapolis. Due to relationship and financial stresses - this year was a blur so I can't really be sure what else took place...

2004 - This is the year that I experienced dating for the first time. And even then that only consisted of a FWB and a couple of no touch dates with 2 others (?). But I was actually getting out there and doing things - The Bat Annex, Mala, going to shows both at venues and in punk houses, I met a lot of new people and felt involved for the first time ever. This year is also a blur - see above.

2005 - I moved on from Krookid/Icebox, the house I shared with roommates. Ariana and I got a 1 bedroom in Stevens Square, I rented in while she was back in MI visiting. C was visiting one evening and he and I were robbed at gunpoint within a week. Within a week of that incident, I adopted Pepper, our Olde Bulldogge. I had chosen that complex/company because they allowed pets anyway but the incident prompted me to move on it sooner than planned. That summer, I was having a hard time paying childcare, bills and rent so I planned to move back home for a while to regroup. I left the veterinary hospital and prepared to move (my car died soon after so that was a good move, my job wasn't busable/bikable and I would have been screwed). I backed out last minute because I wasn't able to go through with it. But now I needed a new job! Luckily, I landed a long term temporary job at Target HQ which turned into a paid position (lower pay and less cred) in the mail room. I eked that out as long as possible but ultimately couldn't do it, I had to move home. No child support, no financial assistance from anywhere except my job and that wasn't covering the basics.

2006 - Home. Back in MI. Living with the in-laws. I had to beg Barnes and Noble for a $7.15 dollar an hour job. That's how bad the job market is there. Soon after I started at the bookstore, I landed a position at a domestic violence/homeless service provider in my hometown. I had also begun school - full time. Life was busy but great overall. But living back there long term makes me unhappy. No diversity, no culture, no events, everything is car oriented. C moved back home after a visit to see us. We began doing a cleaning job on the side as well. At one point, I was working 3 jobs and still going to school full-time. The first job to go was Barnes and Noble - driving 20 miles to work there wasn't worth the pay. I could barely afford the books I was selling!!

2007 - September I moved back to Minneapolis, in with a mom, her daughter and her boyfriend. Rented a room for Ariana and I. It was a good experience overall but I was pretty depressed a lot of the time I lived there, mostly due to living in such a small space (the winter of '07 was the worst!!) and to some situations that took place. I landed a job as a server/barista at a small cafe 2 blocks from my daughter's school. This worked well for us because she could come to work with me and walk to school. When you parent alone, you need to get creative and this worked for us. She could also come to work with me when I didn't have childcare. It was a pretty straight shot from my house (about 10 blocks or so) so we were able to walk or bike to and fro rather than wait for the bus. We quickly became good friends with my co-worker and her daughter (same age as Ariana). I still consider both women to be my good friends although we don't see one another as often now that the cafe is closed and I moved out of the other's house. I can't say it was the best year of my life but I did meet some awesome people and I really enjoyed living with S other than the small room issue.

2008 - I was able to get back into school full time, my schedule at the cafe allowed me to still work and go to school and deal with Ariana. Not too much else to note. Things were going pretty well. I think this is the year I rode my first (and only so far) Babes in Bikeland - placed 65th out of 200+, I can deal with that! December 2008, I moved into our current apartment. The first apartment Ariana and I had to ourselves in years...and it's big! I was able to get some starter furniture from friends as all of my belongings were (and are still) in storage in MI. Other notable issue around this time is the case of the missing paychecks, our cafe starting having financial problems and our checks were coming later and later, for a while, we were working while not knowing if and when we would be paid. Tips were our income for a few weeks and we all shared tips so they were small. This put a cramp in getting necessities for my new place as well as providing a christmas for Ariana.

2009 - January, the cafe closed on the 12th, my car wouldn't start on the morning of the 13th, the windchill was 20 below most of the week and I started a night class the next day. STRESS! Once I got through that week and got my unemployment claim filed, things moved on. I started a work study position at the college on the 20th. This allowed my to continue my classes, to work and to still get a small unemployment amount to stretch $$. I began volunteering at S. S.'s, started an Americorps position with them in June but had to leave it in October due to the pay but I continued doing overnight shifts in the men's shelter. Last month, I was offered a part-time staff position at a normal pay rate. I am also working another 4 months at my grant funded position at T and starting classes next week.
I look forward to the year to come.

Minneapolis-St. Paul airport hates foxes. Kind of a harsh move but I suppose that a plane hitting one and careening off of the runway isn't ideal either.

These past couple of weeks have proven that getting a Go-To card was a good choice - I've done 2 overnights in this time and both times I came out and my van wouldn't start. I'm not sure what's happening - I have a locked gas cap, although it's cheap - maybe someone has a matching key and is siphoning gas... The last time it started after some more gas was added - my gauge doesn't work so I estimate gas by keeping track of the miles - this seems to be slightly inaccurate now due to the ice and snow.
I don't mind bussing, in fact, the last time I had to do it after working (the evening after Christmas Day), it was nice to go out into the crisp, sunny morning and not have to rush around to get home or to my day job. The shelter volunteer room gets kind of hot and stuffy overnight. Also, just being in the building for that long wears you out a bit.

Another common theme lately is verbal confrontations in the evenings - last week it revolved around race. Last night, it was a variety of things - I got a knock on the door around 11:30 or so to come intervene on a confrontation. I was able to pull the involved parties into the hall to figure out what was going on. There was lots of huffing and chest puffing. As things began to escalate highly again, I surveyed my position in accordance to the gents that would be throwing fists and realized that I would most likely be in the line of fire if it came to blows - I was backed against a wall with both of them directly in front of me. My only escape route if things went sour was into the men's bathroom! Ack! That being said, there were at least 3 other men within arms length that were there to step in and help if the situation blew up too much. But still. Next time I will have to be more aware of where I stand.
While trying to de-escalate the remaining party after the other person yielded and went to his bunk, things came out of my mouth that I don't even know where it came from!! I guess some of it was instinct, some was training and some was almost mothering type of guidance. Ultimately, the words from a fellow guest were what got the man to settle down and go lie down, in a different bunk (I gave him 3 options: Leave for the evening, Relocate to a different bed for the night, or come sit, talk and settle down and go back to his original bed).
In the end, it was a good learning experience although it took much longer to diffuse the situation than I would have liked (it seemed like a half an hour). I would rather these incidents not happen but the combinations of stress, mental illness, street mentality, group living and whatever else factors in kind of makes it inevitable. Just as it was at the group home I worked in before - drama just happens.

I'm kind of spent though - I worked my 8 hours yesterday, went home for about 45 minutes, got to the shelter at 5 and slept from a little past Midnight (because of the above) to 4:30 am (early worker had to be up - my alarm was set for 3:58pm though and he knocked to get cereal and lunch - I should have been up at 4am to wake him! Gah!), went out this morning to a non-functional van and walked/bussed to my day job to get started again at 8am.

I am going to bed early tonight!